That name again is Mr. Plow

Last Week in Weird

Public goods

As any fule kno, the problem with us stupid libertarian ideologues is that we refuse to accept that there are certain things out there that people need, but that simply cannot be provided on the free market. The big one, of course, is roads — regardless of what clueless rubes say, there’s no possible way that free men acting on their own could figure out how to get a stretch of relatively flat, clear ground between you and Wal-mart. Also, can you even imagine a way that mail could be delivered without government? Impossible! Public safety is another one; who has more of the knowledge and incentive necessary to keep your neighborhood safe: your neighbors, or faceless bureaucrats in Washington D.C.? It’s the bureaucrats all the way, of course.

Put those three things together and you have an obvious no-brainer. Who can keep the roads safe so the government mail can get delivered? Only the government, obviously. It’s too large, too expensive, and too complex an endeavor for anybody else to manage. Well, anybody else except for PornHub, anyhow.

The adult entertainment site said it has more than two dozen trucks at its disposal, all outfitted with the Pornhub logo on the front of the plow.

Corey Price, vice president of the site, said it will use the plows to assist government services clearing streets and parking lots in [Boston, New York,] and New Jersey, where Winter Storm Stella hit hardest, reports Boston Magazine.

Oh no! It’s those evil corporations up to their same old nefarious schemes! No doubt PornHub is muscling in on the government’s lucrative turf so it can charge people money for things that we’re all entitled to as human rights. You know, things like other people’s trucks, plows, and gasoline.

Pornhub is offering to help people "get plowed" during the winter storm Tuesday, hiring a fleet of trucks to help clear snow for free…

The site is offering its snow plow services for clearing public streets and roads and to any small business looking for assistance.

Aha! Predatory pricing! So, okay, they’re not profiteering this time, but just you wait for the next storm. And in the meantime, while they’re setting up their horrible scheme, they’re advertising, which we all know is evil.

The government can plow the snow or PornHub can plow the snow; I guess either way it’s paid for by people getting screwed.

In the weeds

A lot of poor, misguided libertarians had high hopes for the 2016 Gary Johnson encore. Of course, Johnson was a huge bust, generally appearing completely unprepared for every interview he gave, and even finding new and creative ways of making himself look like a fool. Whatever could the problem have been?

In a recent candid interview, Johnson was quoted saying, "I’m pretty high right now". Asked to elaborate, he said "I’m going to be honest with you, I’ve been high pretty much constantly since the election. I ate a brownie right after I voted. Didn’t eat the whole thing because I knew I had to give some speeches and they had to make at least some sense, but I don’t think it really made too much of a difference anyways." He continued, "really if anything, it calmed me down a bit. I don’t think anyone noticed".

How on the entire Earth would anybody have noticed? If you saw Gary Johnson acting like a stoned weirdo, would that seem in any way unusual? What would be different? Would he stick his tongue out even farther? Would he possibly get confused and start demanding that the government force people to get baked at gay weddings? Would he find a way to nominate an even worse running mate? Your humble narrator is compelled to doubt that it’s possible to get high enough to be more of a weirdo than 2016 Gary Johnson.

Johnson says that he plans on being high for at least the next 4 years. When asked if he would have done anything different had the election gone the other way, he responded, "No. This was the plan throughout the campaign. I was either going to hold the highest office, or I was going be high in my office".

So between this clown and the naked guy, the Libertarian Party has certainly done a bang-up job of demonstrating why nobody takes it seriously. Good thing the party didn’t do anything crazy like nominate somebody with principles!

No, but, seriously: who will build the roads?

It’s like you stupid libertarians have never even thought about this. In your fairy-tale utopia, who will build the roads? Okay, fine, you overthrow the government and then you get a bunch of roads that were already built. Well then who’s going to maintain those roads, smart guy? It’s not like it’s possible for even the dumbest people alive to fix potholes without stolen money and slave labor.

Pitting the city’s two mottos — the unofficial "Keep Portland Weird" and the municipal "The City That Works" — against one another, a group calling itself Portland Anarchist Road Care says state neglect is to blame for the condition of the streets.

The group, working anonymously and with one wearing a mask in photos, only claims to have patched a handful of potholes on Southeast Salmon Street during an outing in late February. But an administrator of the Facebook page said the group is planning more actions. Part of the motivation, the group says on its Facebook page, is to squash perceptions that anarchists only break windows and block roads.

Real anarchists, of course, are the exact opposite of people who "only break windows and block roads." Unless it’s your window or your road, breaking or blocking it is an aggressive action — i.e., a state action — and the sort of thing anarchists don’t do, since anarchy is peace. Of course, the kind of anarchists who tend to form civic organizations in Portland, Oregon probably don’t know what they’re talking about. What do you suppose are the chances?

"As anarchists, we seek to bring about a society in which coercive hierarchies, such as government and capitalism … no longer exist," a member of the group told The Oregonian/OregonLive in an email. "To be exceptionally clear, anarchists do not desire chaos, we desire freedom and equality."

Oh, how surprising: clueless lefty "anarchists" declaring contradictory goals. A moment’s reflection should suffice to inform one that freedom and equality cannot coëxist (even inasmuch as "equality" can exist at all), but that’s apparently too much deep thought for the kind of person who wears a mask to go fill in holes in the road.

God stuff

You can tell that religion is phony because the Bible says that God created man "in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them," whereas clearly God would have created society first, and then society would have created gender, because that’s the science way! I’m sure Bethel University agrees.

One general guideline states that employees should “avoid using masculine terms to refer to people who may be either male or female,” urging them to "use a substitute for words like ‘man or ‘mankind’ when you mean a more inclusive term" and suggesting several "adequate substitutes."

"Although the lack of an inclusive third-person singular pronoun in English is sometimes awkward," the guide says, "words like ‘humans,’ ‘humanity,’ ‘beings,’ ‘people’ and ‘all’ are often adequate substitutes."

Now I can’t possibly be the only one who’s noticed that not one of the Bethel guidebook’s suggested substitute singular pronouns is actually singular. One would think this would be a relatively high-priority attribute for a singular pronoun! Turns out I was right all along: this is the exact sort of rot I’ve been warning you that your brains will develop if you overexpose them to the wretched and incorrect "singular they." So everybody stop doing that.

The age category, for example, tells employees to avoid "stressing the needs and experiences of separate age groups" and instead point to a "common experience through the life span."

With regard to class, the document suggests choosing words "that reflect that human worth is not measured in terms of economic status or employment," while also cautioning faculty not to "assume that lack of formal education is synonymous with ignorance, illiteracy, lack of intelligence, character, worth, or drive."

I’ve written a browser plugin that automatically scans passages of text to determine whether or not they actually mean anything. I’m not going to spoil anything here — preferring to leave it as a spooky exercise for the reader — but I’ll give you a hint: those two paragraphs are highlighted in red. And blinking. And set to self-destruct in ten seconds.

Of course, the best part of this whole foolish guidebook is its insistence that "our goal is to encourage a humble and Christ-like use of language," which goal apparently can be met by arrogantly refusing to use language the way Christ himself did.

Last Week in Red Scare

Congress has always been a bag of idiots, but the congressional blue team has really stepped up its game since the abject failure of Her Royal Majesty to defeat a seventy-year-old ill-mannered circus clown in even a hopelessly gimmicked election. There are Russian agents everywhere, we’re told! They’re seeking to steal all of our elections and all of our democracy and our apple pie and mother and probably also they want to stop us from building our roads! Now here’s the kicker: senatrix Jeanne Shaheen, whose name was given to her by the weirdo maraca guy from The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, has introduced a bill calling for an investigation into potential ties betwteen RT and the Russian government.

"We have good reason to believe that RT News is coordinating with the Russian government to spread misinformation and undermine our democratic process," Shaheen said in a statement.

She said her legislation "provides the authority needed to request documentation of RT News and find out who they’re accountable to."

Dear senator Shaheen: "RT" is an abbreviation for "Russia Today." It is a news agency created and funded by the government of Russia through the "TV-Novosti" corporation, which is the successor organization to RIA Novosti, the official Russian state news bureau. Yes, senator, RT has ties to the Russian government, which secret information one can find in about two seconds on its own web site. This is not half as secret as, for example, CNN’s deep ties to the United States government, which it still to this day pretends not to have.

Anyhow, I’d like to propose that all the money you were planning to appropriate for this ridiculous investigation be sent to me, since I just did all your work for you. Really, you clowns. You have aides! Ask them to look things up for you!



Masterpiece

Last Week in Weird

Divide et impera

Hollywood leftists have had a rough year. First, they had to deal with the fact that their newly-annointed Ultimate Supreme Executive Chairman wasn’t the one they wanted, which I guess is a real blow to the ego if one is bizarre. Then there was that bit about how they had all threatened to leave the country if that happened, which bluff was very thoroughly called. Then there was the fiasco at the celebration of left-wing political grandstanding that used to be the Academy Awards.

Still and all, if there’s any Hollywood celebrity who’s having an even worse year than the average Hollywood celebrity, it could only be alleged famous person Shia LaBeouf, whose "art installation" consisting of a camera was repeatedly trolled by people more interested in pointing out that he’s a clownshoes than in announcing that "he will not divide us," whatever that means. After he got out of jail for losing his mind and physically assaulting said trolls, LaBoeuf relocated his "art installation" to that world-class center of metropolitan art and culture, Albuquerque, New Mexico, where it lasted less than a week before being taken down again. For his third trick, LaBoeuf changed the format of the exhibition: instead of an invitation for other clueless rubes to protest being divided, the camera merely pointed up at a "he will not divide us" flag silhouetted against a featureless sky. Clearly this exhibition is troll-proof!

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In two years of Last Week in Weird, I have never talked about this guy. My bad.

Last Week in Weird

Public service

It’s been only a few short weeks since the eight-year horror that was the Obama administration gave way to the new and exciting horror of the Trump administration, but I bet you’d already forgotten about Joe Biden. No, admit it, you forgot. Well, uncle Joe’s been a busy man, starting a new career for himself at the University of Pennsylvania, where he’s been named the "Benjamin Franklin Presidential Practice Professor," a gigantic mouthful of syntax stew with no clear meaning. What does it mean to be a professor of "presidential practice?" Does the University of Pennsylvania have a "Being the President" major? Was Benjamin Franklin ever president? These questions, and many more, are in need of answer.

Don’t ask the university, though; they’re as clueless as we are.

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What is it Good For?

As the maniacs in Washington continue to drive us toward a war with Iran, even while the "opposition" has somehow managed to find the hero of the New Red Scare in no less perverse a personage than George W. Bush himself, it is perhaps worthwhile to step back from the madness for a few moments and consider what an alternative to all of this mayhem might actually look like.

My friend Luke Tatum posted on Gab quite some time ago that "peace requires anarchy." I countered him a bit; peace, I said, is anarchy. I wasn’t just being flip or cute, either; no, I maintain that, in a non-trivial sense, peace and anarchy are one and the same. In the wake of weeks of "antifa" violence, this can be a bit tough to understand, so let’s dive into it a bit.

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Last Week in Weird

The spirit of progress

The American left continues to spiral down into madness, unable to cope with the reality of life here in the grim darkness of the far future. Everything president Trump does or says sends them into paroxysms, which is great fun for those of us whose job it is to make fun of stupid things people said last week. Particularly fun is the president’s ongoing feud with the news media, which has recently reached such a pitch of hilarity that the president has actually begun banning the mainstream press from official White House news conferences, preferring to rely on so-called "alternative" news outlets and the endless stream of comedy that is his personal Twitter account.

The mainstream media being so thoroughly demonized and disgraced is rather a new experience, though it couldn’t have happened to a more deserving bunch of worthless petty tyrants. Why do I say that? Well, here’s MSNBC’s other resident hag, Mika Brzezinski, to explain for you.

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You Might Want to Start Writing Your Angry E-mail Now

Because, since apparently nobody else is willing to do it, it falls to me to defend Milo Yiannopoulos. After years of gleefully dismantling the shibboleths of political correctness and getting away with it, Milo has finally gone too far; in a podcast appearance recently, he had the audacity to poke at the taboos surrounding pedophilia, which was, to be sure, a very poorly thought out decision. Milo, of course, is used to having the correct identity cards to say outrageous things and get away with it; in this case, he probably should have considered that the homosexuality card is a positive detriment, as homosexuality and pedophilia have been linked in the popular imagination for so long that a prominent homosexual playfully discussing pedophilia pushes all the wrong buttons with the conservative crowd. That is the politically correct line you do not want to cross.

Yet cross it he did, and the reaction was swift and fierce: his CPAC speech was canceled, his book deal was withdrawn, and he was resignated at Breitbart. Milo is sufficiently energetic and sufficiently entrepreneurial that I suspect he’ll survive it, but he’s lost a lot of cachet over this, to the point where even his friends seem to be distancing themselves from him. Since I’m already a pariah, though, I don’t fear the hornets’ nest; I’ll dive right in there!

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While I’m Talking About It

I’m not prepared to let go of this Richard Spencer thing just yet. Sorry, everybody who’s desperately sick of it, but it’s hip, topical stuff that exposes a quite frankly worrying trend in the liberty movement. Quick recap for the benefit of anybody who has wisely ignored my previous diatribes on the subject but who has foolishly chosen to read this one: The International Students For Liberty Conference was this past weekend, and a faction of students in the SFL calling themselves the "Hoppe Caucus" invited Richard Spencer to come get together with them at a bar near the conference to discuss his ideas. Mayhem then ensued, Jeffrey Tucker got involved, and then everybody got kicked out, which is a win for liberty because it made it harder for Richard Spencer to talk to people who wanted to talk to Richard Spencer, and I guess we’re supposed to think that’s absolute aces.

That’s not really what I came to talk about today. I came to talk about this one narrow little concept that I’ve seen echoed in a lot of libertarish responses to the Spencer fiasco. Because he’s handy, I’ll pick on Robby Soave again, but this is purely illustrative; Soave is nowhere near the only person saying things like this.

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There is a huge contradiction in the witness' testimony!

With Thunderous Applause

We all had a good laugh at Jeffrey Tucker’s expense the other day, when he got the usual Bumbling Bees treatment: I found a goofy picture of him, artlessly slapped a DC Funk Parade foam finger on it, and then made fun of a stupid thing he’d done. I was prepared to leave it there; I’m a merciful guy, after all, and I’m sure that, now that he’s been shamed in Last Week in Weird, Tucker will renounce his madcap ways and return to being an actual principled libertarian with a functioning sense of irony.

Then Robby Soave had to open his big mouth.

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See? All full. No room for other opinions.

Last Week in Weird

A man and his dream

The International Students For Liberty Conference has been an annual event for ten years now. The conference, organized (expectedly enough) by Students For Liberty, is a three-day event featuring a number of libertarian — and, let’s face it, libertarish — speakers on a wide range of topics. It’s open to the public; one doesn’t have to be a student to attend. Indeed, the conference web site positively encourages attendance by non-students, as it suggests that one of the primary goals is to connect young libertarians with established "professional" libertarians. Networking, I think the buzzword still is.

So. Aces. It’s also worth noting that Students For Liberty has anticipated the factional squabbling among libertarians; they state unambiguously on the conference web site, in response to the goofy question "Am I ‘libertarian enough’ to attend":

Definitely. Students For Liberty prides itself on taking a "big tent" approach to promoting liberty. This means not only that pro-liberty people of all types and backgrounds are welcome to join in the fun, but also that there’s no requirement to have prior knowledge of libertarian thought, economics, or any particular approach to liberty. We’re all here to learn and ISFLC is meant to bring together many different approaches to liberty. We’d love to have yours represented!

So everybody is welcome, regardless of his ideology.

Everybody except Richard Spencer, that is.

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There is a huge contradiction in the witness' testimony!

With Friends Like These

Contra Reason’s Nick Gillespie, the best thing that happened for the liberty movement in 2016 — indeed, arguably the only good thing in what was otherwise a catastrophic year — was the sudden explosion in popularity of the wonderful libertarian mantra "taxation is theft." In addition to being absolutely true and correct, this is also a powerful slogan that portrays libertarianism at its best, as a philosophy that does not waver and does not compromise with evil for political expediency.

So, naturally, there are libertarishes who hate it.

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