MUH LECTIONS

Last Week in Weird

I was away all last week, to be honest. I’m sure we all agreed not to do anything weird while I was gone, right?

The Phantom Menace

Now that the election is over and Countess Parkinson von Dracula has been returned to her eternal slumber in the crypts of the damned, the more naïve among us probably expected that the Russian-baiting would recede juuuuuust a bit. Fortunately for America, the Washington Post is too busy seeking out the cold, hard truth to allow made-up fairy tales about evil Soviet hacking teams to die! Here’s an entirely sober story in this entirely serious, respectable paper about how absolutely everything is a Russian plot.

Russia’s increasingly sophisticated propaganda machinery — including thousands of botnets, teams of paid human "trolls," and networks of websites and social-media accounts — echoed and amplified right-wing sites across the Internet as they portrayed Clinton as a criminal hiding potentially fatal health problems and preparing to hand control of the nation to a shadowy cabal of global financiers. The effort also sought to heighten the appearance of international tensions and promote fear of looming hostilities with nuclear-armed Russia.

Is that the delicate aroma of sour grapes I detect? Could it be that the professional propagandists at the Washington Post are attempting to cover up their obvious (and hilarious!) failure by inventing imaginary dragons to pretend they weren’t equipped to slay? Is it possible, do you suppose, that this is the passive-aggressive way regime mouthpieces ask for a raise in the face of an embarrassingly bad performance? Further research: learn what a "botnet" is, and then come back and tell me if you really think the Russian government employed thousands of distinct botnets in its attempt to get Donald Trump elected president.

Also, is it just me, or was it Hillary Clinton herself who "sought to heighten the appearance of international tensions and promote fear of looming hostilities with nuclear-armed Russia?" Here’s a direct quote from Lady MacEvil herself:

We need to respond to evolving threats from states like Russia, China, Iran, and North Korea from networks, criminal and terrorist networks like ISIS. We need a military that is ready and agile so it can meet the full range of threats, and operate on short notice across every domain, not just land, sea, air and space, but also cyberspace…

One of the first things I will do as president, is to call for a new nuclear posture review. We have to make sure that America’s arsenal is prepared to meet future threats.

We’ll invest in the next frontier of military engagement, protecting U.S. interests in outer space and cyberspace. You’ve seen reports. Russia’s hacked into a lot of things. China’s hacked into a lot of things. Russia even hacked into the Democratic National Committee, maybe even some state election systems. So, we’ve got to step up our game. Make sure we are well defended and able to take the fight to those who go after us.

As President, I will make it clear, that the United States will treat cyber attacks just like any other attack. We will be ready with serious political, economic and military responses. And we’re going to invest in protecting our governmental networks and our national infrastructure. I want us to lead the world in setting the rules of cyberspace.

Russia and China! They’ve hacked all the things! Time to get those nuclear bombs ready!

But seriously, folks. She actually said those very words. I suppose there is an alternative: perhaps Time magazine and the American Legion are part of the secret Russian cabal too! And I guess the Clinton campaign and the Democratic party just forgot to mention that she never said those things she said. Your humble narrator would perhaps like to suggest that this is somewhat unlikely.

Fortunately for all of us, the noble, disinterested scientists who provided the Washington Post with its thin veneer of data-sounding rubbish have granted us a list of notable Russian propaganda outlets. While I am sad to report that Bumbling Bees is too irrelevant to make the cut, the list nonetheless includes several outlets that will be familiar to my readers, including lewrockwell.com, antiwar.com, the Ron Paul Institute for Peace and Prosperity, Zero Hedge, and, of course, Wikileaks. I am pleased to report that, while my humble little site failed to make the list, I have been published on, mentioned on, or linked to from several of the sites that did, and therefore I fully expect to receive my six-figure check from the Kremlin any day now. Man, working for the Russians is the best!

Comically enough, these clowns are also trying to dupe people into bracketing these horrible propagandists with YYYs. So, welcome to YYYLast Week in WeirdYYY! I can’t wait to hear why it’s different this time.

Attack of the Clones

Did you ever wonder why universities are called "institutions?" Now you know.

According to a letter sent out by Vice President for Student Development Tony Chambers, a student at [Edgewood] college started a campaign to let students and others express their feelings about the outcome of the election by placing notes on a table in the commons.

One note — bearing the phrase "Suck it up, [adorable fluffy kitty cats]!" — was placed on the inside window of the Office of Student Diversity and Inclusion, eliciting outrage within the traumatized academic community…

In response to the incendiary note, staff from the student conduct, human resources, Title IX, and diversity offices were brought together so they could decide how to respond to the "hateful message."

According to Chambers, "the group determined that the message constituted a Hate Crime, based on guidelines from the Jeanne Clery Act and state law."

Sure, the language was a bit saucy — saucy enough that family-friendly web sites have to censor it (hint: Trump may or may not have grabbed one) — but a hate crime? That seems to imply some type of… crime, wouldn’t you say? Fortunately, we live in a country in which simple speech could never be declared criminal, right? Right?

He adds the group acted according to college policy and reported the incident to the Madison, Wisconsin Police Department, which is currently investigating it as a "Hate Crime," and that it is also being investigated through the college’s Student Conduct Process.

Oh for pity’s sake. America has now been sufficiently ruined that the police are investigating a rude post-it note. This is what passes for a "crime" in the idiotic world of American universities. Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not subject your children to these wretched hives of scum and villainy.

Revenge of the Sith

One thing we’ve all learned this year is that one of the hallmarks of a free society is absolute trust and obedience from the people to the authorities. That’s why it was so shocking to our delicate sensibilities when Donald Hitler refused to accept that the election was honest weeks before it took place. As the patron saint of freedom and justice, Hillary Rodham Clinton, once told us:

We’ve been around for 240 years. We’ve had free and fair elections. We’ve accepted the outcomes when we may not have liked them. And I for one am appalled that somebody who is the nominee of one of our two major parties would take that kind of position…

He said something truly horrifying… he refused to say that he would respect the results of this election. That is a direct threat to our democracy.

All of us high-minded progressives waved our USA #1 foam fingers in joy at that utterly true statement. Never — never! — has the outcome of an American election been challenged by the loser! Why, the very idea!

I must admit that I’m a bit confused as to why my fellow progressives aren’t quite so upset about Jill Stein’s attempt to overturn the election results and install Hillary Clinton instead. No, wait! My mistake! She’s not at all doing any such thing. Why, there’s no reason to believe that the noble, selfless Stein could possibly be yet another regime shill! Her motives are entirely noble:

The Green Party Platform calls for "publicly-owned, open source voting equipment and deploy it across the nation to ensure high national standards, performance, transparency and accountability; use verifiable paper ballots; and institute mandatory automatic random precinct recounts to ensure a high level of accuracy in election results." [much sic]

Election integrity experts have independently identified Michigan, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin as states where "statistical anomalies" raised concerns. Our effort to recount votes in those states is not intended to help Hillary Clinton.

See? It’s just another strange coincidence that these "statistically anomalous" states happen to be states that Trump won by relatively narrow margins. It’s also a strange coincidence that, if those three states flipped, that would be just enough to tip the election to Clinton. That has nothing to do with anything! We’re just trying to ensure ultimate fairness.

As an added benefit, if the Green Party raises another seven million dollars, it should be able to hire an organic, locally-grown, fair-trade-certified proofreader to prevent it from posting another utter mess on its web site.

A New Hope

Last week, a momentous event occurred. One of the towering figures of the twentieth century — a man who dominated the imaginations of the world, and whose wisdom, integrity, and humanity should serve as an example to the leaders of the future — has been taken up into heaven by flaming chariots. I speak, of course, of Ron Glass, famous star of Barney Miller and Firefly.

Evil communist dictator Fidel Castro also finally kicked off last week. Many news outlets appear to have gotten their signals crossed and accidentally applied their Ron Glass obituaries to the horrid Castro, however, as Russian propagandist Dr. Tom DiLorenzo points out. Odd that the Russian propaganda machine is opposed to the celebration of communist dictators. Here I thought it was still 1967!

On a personal note, a game developer of my acquaintance (who shall remain nameless) who somehow fancies himself an ardent communist once took a trip to Cuba. Upon his return, he was glowing with admiration for the country — how spiritually pure its inhabitants were, unburdened by the horrible affluence of capitalist society!

These people are lunatics.

The Star Wars Holiday Special

To break up the monotony of all this Russian-funded fake news, the always dependable Clinton News Network has declared its new focus on broadcasting only unadulterated, hard-core truth. By which I mean apparently it now broadcasts pornography.

On Thursday night, around the time families across the US were celebrating Thanksgiving dinner, CNN accidentally aired half an hour of hardcore pornography after "a grave error by RCN" a local cable TV provider based in New Jersey that provides CNN’s broadcasting all down the east coast.

According to the Independent, as viewers were tuning in for a brand new episode of Anthony Bourdain’s Parts Unknown, "the show’s title took on a brand new meaning when the scheduled programming was replaced with explicit material starring adult transsexual film star Riley Quinn."

Comedy gold! Or is it? After initially acknowledging and apologizing for the mistake, CNN later backpedaled and now insists that it never happened. The only sensible conclusion is that this is the work of Russian hackers. Presumably the same hackers are responsible for the entirely phony outrage over a completely accurate chyron the network ran earlier in the week. Can’t trust them Russkies!

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