I command you to go to Hell and sit on a hot coal and wait for me!

Last Week in Weird

Did I meet him? At the open house?

I don’t think I’ve ever been so jazzed to slap that foam finger on an image before.

No doubt you’re familiar with Easter. It’s the holiest day in the Christian liturgical year, celebrating, as it does, the resurrection of Christ — something of a momentous event. Indeed, the entire week leading up to Easter is quite significant — Holy Week, it’s called — and is one of the seasons in which Christian spirit is riding its highest; arguably only Christmas week is a more important, and more religious time for most Christians.

Which makes it all the funnier that the perpetually clueless Libertarian Party chose to celebrate Holy Week by running this great ad aligning itself with the Satanic Temple.

Femurs...

If you’re waiting for a link, you’ll not get one; this campaign was pulled in a hurry. Not quickly enough to protect it from me, though! If I had to guess, I’d say that the number of Satan worshippers who saw that ad and said "wow, this Libertarian Party really gets me" was dwarfed by the number of normal people who saw it and said "yup, this Libertarian Party really is a bunch of clowns."

Obviously, nobody’s saying that people shouldn’t be free to worship Satan if that’s what they want to do. Satan, Thor, Elvis, whatever — as long as it’s not aggressing against anybody, there’s no strictly libertarian case to denounce any religion qua religion. I get that. Everybody gets that.

There is, however, an obvious marketing reason not to associate one’s fringe political party with the Satanic Temple, and especially during Holy Week. If it actually wants to be taken seriously, rather than relentlessly made fun of on even libertarian web sites, then the Libertarian Party could maybe — just maybe! — consider focusing on libertarianism rather than on trying to shock my grandmother. She’s dead anyway, you insensitive jerks.

Of course, the possibility also presents itself that the Libertarian Party did this intentionally in a bid to distract me from its catastrophically unlibertarian response to last week’s Syrian airstrikes. It didn’t work:

If the President wants to help the Syrian people, he should facilitate more refugees entering the United States to find safety here rather than demonizing them and hampering their escape from the dictator that is slaughtering them…

The Libertarian Party calls for an end to interventionist foreign policy.

So no intervening except for the resettlement of "refugees," then? That intervention is okay? It’s working out well in Sweden, yes? Oh, I see.

But there I go "demonizing" people again instead of just accepting the fine, upstanding libertarian principle that there should be a giant central government "facilitating" immigration from select areas and then giving them tremendous quantities of my money.

Why everything should be abolished

Let’s jump right into this one:

Hours earlier, police responded to a domestic dispute at [Dirk] Sparks’ home. When officers observed him acting "fidgety," they asked for a urine sample. When Sparks refused, police sought a warrant from a Hughes County judge to obtain a urine sample by "medically accepted means." …

A nurse at Avera St. Mary’s Hospital in Pierre inserted a pencil-sized tube into Sparks’ urethra to drain his bladder. Moments later, an officer with the Pierre Police Department held a cup of Sparks’ urine that soon would be sent off for drug testing.

"It was degrading," Sparks said. "I was angry. I felt like my civil rights were being violated."

The police thought you looked "fidgety" — almost as though being surrounded by the gestapo can set one ill at ease! — so they abducted you, forcibly restrained you, jammed a pencil-sized object literally up your penis… and you felt like your civil rights were being violated. I can’t imagine why. This is just how life is in a free society! Don’t you know? Enjoy every last sensation that freedom gives you, Dirk!

Oh, but it’s okay, see, because Dirk was suspected of being hopped up on the drugs! Don’t you know the drugs are bad for you? So that makes it all okay. It’s not like they’re doing this to…

I’m sorry, but I can’t even finish that ironical lede.

Kirsten Hunter said her 3-year-old son, Aksel, was forcefully catheterized at the Avera hospital in Pierre in late February after her boyfriend failed a urine analysis. Authorities wanted to have her and her two children tested to see if they also had drugs in their system.

Pierre police officers and a Department of Social Services employee showed up at her home and said if her kids couldn’t produce urine, they would be taken from her. Hunter said her son isn’t potty-trained. So while she and her 5-year-old daughter were able to provide a urine sample, her young son couldn’t.

He was held down and forcibly catheterized by nurses.

Hey, I have an idea: let’s burn the state to the ground. Root and branch. Anybody have one single convincing argument why we shouldn’t?

What’s black and white and red all over?

Why, the new book from MIT press, of course: Communism For Kids! Hey, guess what? That’s an affiliate link. Suck it, Marxists!

It all unfolds like a story, with jealous princesses, fancy swords, displaced peasants, mean bosses, and tired workers–not to mention a Ouija board, a talking chair, and a big pot called “the state.” Before they know it, readers are learning about the economic history of feudalism, class struggles in capitalism, different ideas of communism, and more. Finally, competition between two factories leads to a crisis that the workers attempt to solve in six different ways (most of them borrowed from historic models of communist or socialist change). Each attempt fails, since true communism is not so easy after all. But it’s also not that hard. At last, the people take everything into their own hands and decide for themselves how to continue. Happy ending? Only the future will tell.

Psst! Hey! Guess what? the past will tell, too.

About the Author

Bini Adamczak is a Berlin-based social theorist and artist. She writes on political theory, queer politics, and the past future of revolutions.

The past future of revolutions. The past… future. Is this like the Days of Future Past? For all I know it may well be, because I gotta be honest with you: I am not going to dignify that idiocy by looking it up. I’ll just assume it’s the even-more-tendentious sequel to The Unbearable Lightness of Being and carry on with my life.

So we’re ignoring the elephant in the room here. I’m prancing about making fun of the author, and I haven’t said word one about how she’s propagandizing the children about her own madcap philosophy. Won’t somebody I think of the children? Well, here’s the deal: I’m the original Mr. Glass Houses on this one, so I have to be quiet. I suppose I could justify it on the grounds that my philsophy actually, you know, works. People actually have food to eat and clothing to wear and even enough spare money to fund completely worthless careers like — just to take a random example off the top of my head — writers "on political theory, queer politics, and the past future of revolutions."

Also, I’d like to thank communism for providing me with an excuse to set a new record for most affiliate links I’ve ever smooshed into one entry. Now go buy something from my links and really stick it to ’em!

What an astonishing coincidence!

Man, it’s wild the sorts of things that happen in these elections. If I didn’t already know they were always perfectly fair and just, I’d start to wonder about the purity of essence of our precious democracy fluids!

A MONUMENTAL computer blunder could cost Marine Le Pen the French general election as 500,000 citizens living outside of France have the chance to vote twice.

Half a million people received duplicate polling cards in the post, which would allow them to cast two votes at the first round of the election, held on April 23.

Woo. Half a million bonus ballots? That’s almost ten times as many extra votes as Virginia governor Terry McAuliffe manufactured for Hillary Clinton in a totally non-corrupt way last November. But there’s no way they could make this work against Le Pen specifically, right? It’s all going to be random… right?

This could crush Ms Le Pen’s dreams of surging to power, as most French nationals living outside of their country are not right wing – demonstrated by the fact many feel they depend on the European Union (EU) to guarantee their stay in foreign countries.

Emmanuel Macron visited London in February and held rousing talks urging London’s 300,000-strong community to vote for him.

London’s French population equates to France’s sixth largest city, and now many of those 300,000 people will have the chance to vote for Mr Macron twice.

I… well, I mean, okay, but… surely they can fix this, right? There must be some way to keep those double ballots from counting. I mean, they wouldn’t just —

French authorities confirmed they would not be investigating the potential electoral fraud until AFTER the election, when retrospective prosecution may take place…

France’s Interior Ministry has said it will not be invalidating the election because of the duplicate voting glitch, but with Bloomberg’s latest poll currently showing Mr Macron and Ms Le Pen polling at 22.8 per cent, and far left Mr Melenchon at 18.3 per cent, it is possible an extra 500,000 votes either way could swing the balance of power.

Yeah, nothing shady here at all. Just another fair, honest election!

So about that endless war

Let’s get our priorities straight. Murder? Yeah, kinda bad. Forcing people to buy your missiles whether they want to or not? Eh. That’s just democracy, bro! Meddling in other peoples’ affairs? Well, if they can’t get their own lives safe-for-democracy-ed, then I guess the good ol’ U.S. of A. just has to do it for them. Missiles with culturally insensitive names? Possibly the end of civilization as we know it.

That there’s the editor-in-chief of goofy left-wing rag Mother Jones, who can evidently think of no better condemnation of the Trump administration’s unprovoked murder of Syrians than to claim that it’s racist against Indians, who, last I heard, were not the people murdered by the missiles. For once, however, the responses are worth reading — she’s getting her smug, ignorant face handed to her. Maybe not as bad as some people did, but, hey.

Meanwhile, the "Mother of All Bombs" that was dropped on some "ISIS tunnels" in Afghanistan (that were actually built by the CIA, but, once again, hey) is racist against women because bombs are obviously tools of the patriarchy:

Once again, no particular concern for the people murdered by the bombs nor for the people forced — against our will — to pay for them. Apparently the only socially-unjust thing about the whole sordid affair is that the name of the bomb — "Massive Ordnance Air Blast" — is offensive to feminists, who tend to be massive and blast lots of air. O no your humble narrator di’n’t!

The friendly skies

Surely you’ve all heard the tragic tale of Dr. David Dao, the Vietnamese-American surgeon beaten to a pulp by United Airlines for having the audacity to assume that having paid for a ticket and having been seated on the plane somehow implied that he should be brought to his destination.

Then, a passenger on another, different United Airlines flight was attacked by a scorpion — but it was okay, because they gave him a Benadryl and flushed it down the toilet.

The comedy topper for the week, of course, came when United threw a couple on the way to their wedding off of a half-full plane because they sat in the wrong seats.

The TSA would like to take this opportunity to extend its thanks to United Airlines for taking on some of the responsibility for making air travel miserable.

Last week in social justice speech

So here’s the Maine Democratic Party hosting a speaker who thinks it’s "great" that suicide rates among white men are rising:

No points for guessing whether or not the speaker is a white man. Half credit for guessing that he wears a lot of stuff from L.L. Bean.

Here’s a college professor announcing that "Trump must hang," and that two Republicans should be murdered for every illegal immigrant deported from the United States. Once again, no points for guessing whether or not he’s a white man.

Sorry, guys, but they still aren’t going to sleep with you.

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