I'll get you, my pretty! And your private property, too!

Last Week(s) in Weird

Berninating all the villagers

As any fule kno, beloved Vermont senator Bernie Sanders was sent down to earth by St. Karl of Trier to redeem us for the horrible sin of inequality and forgive us our transgressions and also our student loan debt. You may have heard rumors that his mission was actually to bilk gullible kids so he could buy a third house and a really expensive car, but that’s all fake news spread by Russians from Macedonia, so ignore that.

I’m sure you’re as shocked as I am to hear that a man who has literally never done anything productive in his entire life while simultaneously hectoring hard-working Americans about their "greed" and "privilege" would turn out to be a thief. In the illegal sense, even.

Sanders top adviser Jeff Weaver told CBS News the couple has sought legal protection over federal agents’ allegations from a January 2016 complaint accusing then-President of Burlington College, Ms. Sanders, of distorting donor levels in a 2010 loan application for $10 million from People’s United Bank to purchase 33 acres of land for the institution.

According to Politico, prosecutors might also be looking into allegations that Sen. Sanders’ office inappropriately urged the bank to approve the loan.

Curse you, Russian hackers!

Burlington College, to quote from its Wikipedia entry, "was a private, non-profit liberal arts college located in Burlington, Vermont, that offered associate, bachelor’s, and master’s degrees, as well as several professional certificates." At its peak, it hosted a couple hundred students, almost all of them part-time. But why are we all speaking in the past tense? That would be because Burlington College shut its doors last May, after being financially ruined by the massive debt accumulated by Jane Sanders during her presidency. Tee hee!

As for the Sanders plan for paying that debt, it involved growing enrollment by 20% per year and also, evidently, lying about incoming donations and hoping nobody would notice. At least, that’s what the donors themselves allege. Whoops missus!

Your humble narrator can scarcely believe that socialists would live it up at other people’s expense, then take their $200 thousand severance packages and leave behind nothing but debt and smoldering ruins.

Sen. Sanders, formerly mayor of Burlington, Vermont’s largest city, regards the claims as a political game levied against him after his run for president in the 2016 primary election, a platform which has transformed the small-state senator into an influential voice in American liberal politics.

That’s a possibility, sure. One could also argue that exposing the Clinton campaign’s e-mails was a political game levied against her. So the moral of this story, I guess, is that politicians committing crimes is fine, but people exposing them are bad Russian hate speachers who hate America.

Speaching of hates

I’m proud to announce that Our Neighbor To The East, Canada, has finally taken the bold progressive step of allowing the newest left-wing fad group, the "transgendered," to obliterate people for thinking Wrong Thoughts about them. Here’s a tumblr post summarizing the new law:

People may identify with a concept of gender that is aligned with the sex they were assigned at birth, or they may identify with a gender that is different from their sex assigned at birth or simply self-identify with a non-traditional or non-stereotypical concept of gender.5 The most commonly used term to describe people who self-identify with a non traditional concept of gender is "transgender," though some individuals prefer to be described as intersex, cross-gender, gender-diverse, or gender queer, among other terms. The term "transsexual" is often used to describe people who do not identify with the sex they were assigned at birth and seek to have their gender and their sex align through medical intervention, such as by taking hormones or undergoing surgery…

to leave the law as it stands would fail to acknowledge the situation of transgendered individuals and allow the issues to remain invisible. While these issues are clearly related to sex, this ground may not cover all those encountered in the transgendered experience, especially in the decision to undergo a sex change and its implementation. To say transsexualism is a disability seems to make it a medical matter rather than a matter of life experienced in the opposite gender.

Oh, my mistake; that’s not a tumblr post at all, that’s actually the text of the bill. The thing is apparently written in stream-of-consciousness jargon, including the wholly incorrect — and here, once again, that’s actually incorrect as opposed to politically incorrect — assertion that sex is "assigned" to anybody at any time. One part’s completely clear, though:

Section 319(2) makes it an offence to communicate, except in private conversation, statements that wilfully promote hatred against an identifiable group, whether by telephone, broadcasting or other audible or visible means…

Sections 320 and 320.1 of the Criminal Code allow for judges to issue orders for the confiscation of any form of hate propaganda that if communicated would lead to an offence under section 319.

But surely they would never do what you’re thinking. I mean, "peace, order, and good government," amirite?

So of course they’ve already arrested a crazy man for "smuggling hate speech" on his iPad. Truth be told, sometimes it’s good to be an American, where even a fruit like Simon Tam has the right to say what he pleases.

You can with Berkman

The thing that really drives me crazy about transgender-o-mania is that now I have to say nice things about the St. Louis Cardinals, and that is wholly unacceptable. I identify as someone who does not appreciate this one bit.

The St. Louis Cardinals resolved to host Lance Berkman as their "Christian Day" speaker, despite outcry from the LGBTQ community.

St. Louis Pride, an LGBTQ organization, protested the Cardinals’ decision to host Berkman and demanded that the Cardinals cancel his appearance at their annual Christian Day, a post-game event where a public figure, usually a former player as in Berkman’s case, speaks about how Christianity has affected their [sic] life.

Hey Tucker, I know you’re a busy man, but maybe you could teach the institutional dish machine operators who write articles for you what pronouns are and how to use them. Lesson two could be "sentence structure and you: how to avoid writing like a third-grader," followed by "why you shouldn’t apply commas using the dartboard method."

Anyhoo, Lance Berkman is on the outs with the in crowd due to horrible right-wing hate fear remarks like "Maybe he is [transgender], maybe he’s confused. But I wouldn’t want him in the shower with my daughters. We shouldn’t have the rights of 2 percent of the population trump the rights of the other 98 percent." I could criticize him for his poorly-developed rights theory, but he would probably reply by asking me how many career home runs I have, and then I’d have to take a long, hard look at which skillset the market values more highly, and I’m not fixin’ to do that, Hoss.

So the reason I have to say good things about the Cardinals is that they actually had the decency to stand up to the social justice crusade.

The Cardinals have hosted a Christian Day at the ballpark for nearly three decades. The post-game event usually features a well-known keynote speaker (often a former Cardinal or professional athlete) who talks about his or her experience of being a practicing Christian in the public arena. Lance Berkman participated in Christian Day when he was a Cardinals player, and we welcome him back this year to discuss his faith.

All that and the Cardinals even used pronouns correctly, unlike the alleged professional writers at Tucker Carlson’s Discount Opinion Factory. Tsk. At least they followed it up with mealy-mouthed paeans about having "social responsiblity" to get diversed and such rubbish. Left me with something to hate speechify them about. It’s a living!

I am getting so hot, I’m gonna take your tax dollars

Don’t worry, cultivated worriers! Crony capitalists have solved your global warming forever! A new outfit out in Switzerland has just opened its first "carbon-capture plant," designed to remove 900 tons carbon dioxide from the atmosphere annually and bury it deep underground forever. I mean, sure, if that’s successful it will lead to the total extinction of all life on Earth, but didn’t you see this picture?? Muh warmings!

The best thing about this whole scheme is that it’s wildly impractical. Even for crony industry, this is absurd.

They estimate that 250,000 such plants would be necessary to capture enough carbon to meet the Integovernmental [sic] Panel on Climate Change’s goals of capturing 1% of global emissions by 2025.

Why, I’m sure the carbon footprint of constructing a quarter of a million of these things is negligible. Not to mention the cost, which, in all fairness, is probably less than the $600 billion per year Al Gore wants to accomplish the same feat. Now that you’re all prepped, let’s get to the punch line:

In fact, it only takes an average of 98 trees to remove 1 ton of carbon dioxide from the atmosphere per year.

That means that this plant is worth only 88,200 trees per year…

That means that only $17,640 worth of trees could do the work of the multi-million dollar Hinwil carbon-capture plant.

Awesome. We have now reached Peak Watermelon: the point at which the "environmentalist" movement has become so thoroughly captured by left-wing politics that it’s honestly proposing multi-billion dollar handouts for rent seekers to build hideous, unproductive industrial monstrosities as an alternative to having more trees. Good work, everybody!

Hack the planet!

Oh those shifty Russkies. They’re still at it — still stealing our democracy. This time, they stole every single special congressional election and gave them all to the Republicans. They even somehow stole the one California Democrats spent twenty-five million dollars trying to unsteal. How do they manage it?? This was even more shocking, since the very honest and reliable polls predicted a big win for Team D.

Finally, just as we pointed out earlier this morning, there seems to have been some “oversamples” in the polling data as the Real Clear Politics average had Ossoff winning by 5 points just last week…for those keeping track that’s a roughly 10-point polling ‘error’ from how things actually turned out.

Yet another one of those coincidences. It must be — it’s been proven by swearing that the polls are never dishonest. No sir! Neither is the voting process itself. I mean, what, you think they’re going to try something as obvious as keeping the polls open later in the heavily-Democratic parts of the district?

No, see, that’s just because, you know, the fairness. It’s fine.

I know these polls are rubbish, but sometimes I like them. Here’s what I mean:

Today, a new poll released exclusively to the Hill shows that most Americans feel the investigations into alleged collusion between Russian officials and the Trump campaign are a distraction.

The poll found that 64% of Americans believe the investigations are hurting the country, and a whopping 73% believe that the focus on Russia is distracting Congress from important issues like health care and tax reform. [Emphasis original]

73% of Americans believe that Russiamania is distracting Congress from "important issues," but only 64% of Americans believe it’s hurting the country. That 9% gap? Those are our people. The good guys. This is what I like!

Common Core math

Despite his androgynous name, Virginia governor Terry McAuliffe is not, in fact, a woman. Unless he identifies, assigned at birth, etc. That whooshing sound (with a hint of Botox) you just heard was a huge sigh of relief from Nancy Pelosi, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, and Maxine Waters, who don’t have to worry about a new challenger in their epic struggle to be the dumbest woman in the Democratic Party. Last time we checked in with ol’ Terry, he was pardoning tens of thousands of convicted felons as long as they agreed to go vote for Hillary Clinton, which was not evidence that the elections are crooked and don’t you forget it. What’s he up to today? Well…

On June 14th, a crazed leftist named James Hodgkinson shot up the Republican congressional baseball team, seriously injuring congressman Steve Scalise. I’m never in favor of congressmen, of course, but I’m even less in favor of murder — and, yes, that includes murder of murderers — so, you know, I’m arguing "against." Terry McAuliffe apparently is on the "for" side, though, since this sort of incident gives him a lovely crisis to exploit to push his pet projects — in this case, gun control. But, well, perhaps the exuberance got the better of ol’ Terry on this one:

It’s the first rule of politicking that you should always make the numbers bigger. That’s the same rule that informs the lunatic claims about "one in four women" being raped, for example. So in McAuliffe’s case, clearly he needs to exaggerate the number of shootings. Maybe claim a few hundred a day, or a few thousand. Heck, if he said fifteen hundred shooting deaths per day, nobody in that gullible sycophant chorus would check him. He’d get a nice exaggerated sound bite. But McAuliffe, well… restraint is not his best quality. He jumped straight to 93 million deaths by gun violence every single day. Then he said it again a moment later.

As of press time, it is unclear how I managed to write this article, given that the United States of America presently has massively negative population.

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