Evil, that's your name.

Last Week(s) in Weird

What astonishing coincidences!

Klaus Eberwein, former head of Haiti’s Economic and Social Assistance Fund (a government bureau designed to tax-and-spend prosperity into existence, which has worked exactly as well as one would expect), killed himself this past week, shooting himself in the head in a motel room in South Dade, Florida. This coming Tuesday, he was expected to testify before the Haitian senate’s "Ethics and Anti-corruption Commission."

What do you suppose he was going to say to the commission?

he was widely expected to testify that the Clinton Foundation misappropriated Haiti earthquake donations from international donors…

According to Eberwein, a paltry 0.6 percent of donations granted by international donors to the Clinton Foundation with the express purpose of directly assisting Haitians actually ended up in the hands of Haitian organizations. A further 9.6 percent ended up with the Haitian government. The remaining 89.8 percent – or $5.4 billion – was funneled to non-Haitian organizations.

"The Clinton Foundation, they are criminals, they are thieves, they are liars, they are a disgrace," Eberwein said at a protest outside the Clinton Foundation headquarters in Manhattan last year.

As of press time, it is not yet clear whether or not Eberwein shot himself in the back of the head. Twice. It’s also not clear whether or not he left an absurdly phony suicide note, the way Peter W. Smith did.

In the note recovered by police, Smith apologized to authorities and said that "NO FOUL PLAY WHATSOEVER" was involved in his death. He wrote that he was taking his own life because of a "RECENT BAD TURN IN HEALTH SINCE JANUARY, 2017" and timing related "TO LIFE INSURANCE OF $5 MILLION EXPIRING."

Smith apparently had one of those caps lock keys that can’t be turned off. Also he apparently had one of those life insurance policies that still pays out if you kill yourself; you can get those from the same companies that will sell you fire insurance on your burning house. Of course you’ve spotted the most hilarious part of this whole thing: the not-at-all-suspicious way his suicide note specifies that "NO FOUL PLAY WHATSOEVER" was involved in his sudden death by asphyxiation due to having a bag filled with helium placed over his head.

Rochester police Chief Roger Peterson on Wednesday called Smith’s manner of death "unusual," but a funeral home worker said he’d seen it before.

Oh, well, that plus the note — why investigate? I mean, it says right here that NO FOUL PLAY was involved. WHATSOEVER.

An employee with Rochester Cremation Services, the funeral home that responded to the hotel, said he helped remove Smith’s body from his room and recalled seeing a tank.

The employee, who spoke on condition he not be identified because of the sensitive nature of Smith’s death, described the tank as being similar in size to a propane tank on a gas grill. He did not recall seeing a bag that Smith would have placed over his head. He said the coroner and police were there and that he "didn’t do a lot of looking around."

"Sensitive nature?" What was "sensitive" about it? There was not, WHATSOEVER, any FOUL PLAY involved. NO there was not. I mean, why would we suspect foul play? It’s not like he was–

The Journal stories said that on Labor Day weekend last year Smith assembled a team to acquire emails the team theorized might have been stolen from the private server Clinton had used while secretary of state. Smith’s focus was the more than 30,000 emails Clinton said she deleted because they related to personal matters. A huge cache of other Clinton emails were made public.

Smith told the Journal he believed the missing emails might have been obtained by Russian hackers. He also said he thought the correspondence related to Clinton’s official duties. He told the Journal he worked independently and was not part of the Trump campaign. He also told the Journal he and his team found five groups of hackers — two of them Russian groups — that claimed to have Clinton’s missing emails.

One thing we can know for certain from all this: the Clintons are the luckiest people alive. It’s amazing the way anybody who threatens them just mysteriously dies! Why do you suppose that is?

NO FOUL PLAY WHATSOEVER

Oh, this is going to end well.

The US military has revealed $65 of funding for a programme to develop a ‘brain chip’ allowing humans to simply plug into a computer…

The goal is ‘developing an implantable system able to provide precision communication between the brain and the digital world,’ DARPA officials said.

On the one hand, the idea of the government actually literally implanting chips into people’s brains is utterly horrifying. On the other hand, wait, they only appropriated $65 for it? I guess their plan is to buy a few of these and hope for the best, then.

The absolute worst thing is that I sincerely have no idea if the Mail’s staff of highly-paid news fakers meant to write "$65 million" or "$65 billion." The fact that either of those numbers would seem believable should give anyone and everyone pause.

The work has the potential to significantly advance scientists’ understanding of the neural underpinnings of vision, hearing, and speech and could eventually lead to new treatments for people living with sensory deficits.

‘The NESD program looks ahead to a future in which advanced neural devices offer improved fidelity, resolution, and precision sensory interface for therapeutic applications,’ said Phillip Alvelda, the founding NESD Program Manager.

Ah yes, "theraputic applications." That is no doubt exactly what DARPA has in mind. DARPA is world-renowned for its deep, abiding humanitarianism, after all.

Elon Musk’s latest company Neuralink is working to link the human brain with a machine interface by creating micron-sized devices.

Go away, Elon.

Neuralink was registered in California as a ‘medical research’ company last July, and he plans on funding the company mostly by himself.

No points for guessing whether or not he means "plans on funding the company mostly by himself until he can hook it up to DARPA’s handout spigot."

You know what won’t cost just $65?

Okay, I mean besides that. Clearly, I’m talking about everybody’s favorite military boondoggle: the plane of the future!

The report, which was submitted to Congress on Monday, estimates that procurement costs for the F-35 will come in about 7 percent higher than the last projection of $379 billion.

But acquisition — which refers to development and production of the futuristic planes — doesn’t tell the whole story. When operations and maintenance of the F-35 are factored in, the total will likely exceed $1.1 trillion over the decades to come.

Money well spent, I say. After all, we need those planes to defend America! North Korea will be launching its "ICBMs" over here any day now — why, they have "ICBMs" that can maybe go almost all the way to Japan! That’s only one continent over from the United States! And don’t even get me started on them ISIS guys. Gary Johnson has almost found Aleppo, and I’m hearing disturbing rumors that it might be in New Jersey.

The idea that got the F-35 aloft in the first place is that eventually it would replace almost every fighter plane in use by the Marines Corps, Air Force, and Navy. Beginning with a basic model, each service has added special features, such as the ability of the Marines’ version to take off with very little runway and to land vertically. The repeated tweaking of the different versions contributed to the program’s extraordinary expense.

I suppose your humble narrator is not a doctor of airplanology, but wouldn’t it make more sense to make three different planes if the three outfits all want different capbilities? Why make one base plane that satisfies nobody’s needs and then keep "tweaking" it? Don’t say the answer is either cost or development time. Don’t even try.

A presentation by the director of the Pentagon’s in-house testing office dated May 8 and obtained by Bloomberg News (Capaccio again) said that the plane isn’t as reliable as expected and is taking longer to repair than planned… It explained that about 20 percent of F-35s are stuck in maintenance depots because suppliers can’t keep up with expanding production while also fixing returned parts.

Aces. Now let’s get back to that bit about how you clowns are going to put microchips in our brains.

But without the government, who would kill the babies?

Sometimes I just don’t know what to say.

Charlie, 10 months old, has been at the centre of a lengthy legal battle, with his parents arguing he should be given the chance to have experimental treatment in the US.

The baby has a rare genetic disease and judges have ruled further treatment would "continue to cause Charlie significant harm".

No, I’m not making this sound like something other than what it is: these poor British parents whose son has a rare genetic disorder are being actively prevented by the government of the UK from saving their son’s life. They have the money for the treatment. They have the doctors lined up and ready to perform it. They have reason to believe it may work — it has worked in the past for other children with the same disease. The wise central planners, however, have decreed that the baby must die — indeed, a few deadlines have already passed, but thank God for decent people in the hospitals who have (so far) refused to comply with the government’s decrees. Baby Charlie is still alive as of this writing, and, yes, the government is still trying to kill him.

As the couple returned to court, they learned that there was evidence that their child could still survive the disease if he gets a treatment trial in the U.S. However, the pieces of evidence presented were not enough to sway the judge.

"We are continuing to spend every moment working around the clock to save our dear baby Charlie. We love him more than life itself. If he’s still fighting, then we’re still fighting," said Charlie’s parents in a statement.

While Chris and Connie want their child to seek therapy elsewhere, the High Court maintained that any treatment would not help Charlie’s case. According to the couple’s spokesman Alasdair Seton-Marsden, Chris and Connie hope to convince the judge to allow them to get alternative treatment with the help of medical practitioners who specialize in Charlie’s case.

Although the couple believes that there was still hope for Charlie, the doctors at the Great Ormond Street Hospital who were present during the hearing said that any therapy conducted in the hopes of treating Charlie would only be experimental and would not cure him at all, urging the couple to let their child "die with dignity."

Once again: they have the money for the treatment. This will not cost the British taxpayers one thin shilling.

All I can add is that if you support any type of socialist medical care in any way, shape, or form, you need to take a long, hard look at your moral compass.

Comedy tonight

Just so we don’t close on government-mandated baby murder, let’s all have a good laugh at CNN’s expense.

Last week, more Americans tuned in to watch re-runs of "Yogi Bear," "Full House," and "Friends" on Nick At Nite than to watch Anderson Cooper and Don Lemon’s shows on CNN.

According to cable ratings from the week of June 26-July 2, CNN’s viewership of its primetime shows was ranked significantly lower than its competitors like Fox News and MSNBC, which place first and second respectively. Clocking in at No. 10 on the list, CNN fell behind HGTV, Nick At Nite, History Channel, and ESPN — the sports network that’s been hemorrhaging viewers for months.

I know I’d rather watch Yogi Bear than the fake news from the Clinton News Network. Still and all, this is hilarious:

FAKE NEWS

CNN clocked in so thoroughly at "No. 10 on the list" that it actually came in thirteenth.

Good night, sweet prince!

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